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Tommyball rhombus

Tommyball is a mainstream ball game known for its unique and obscure practices—namely the use of weapons during play, spectator interaction, and pre-game chickens. Contrary to popular belief, chickens are a necessity to prepare the field, not simply a tradition.

The sport has a large following of spectators and media coverage, including a podcast of the same name and a subreddit.

The object of the game is to score with push-shovels, doowacky points, and goals. Winning scores are computed with the use of sophisticated algorithms on supercomputers.

International Competition Edit

The authority on international competition of Tommyball is the Tommyball League. It is widely accepted that the international competitive scene is currently dominated by European teams, and this will remain the case for the foreseeable future.[1]

Game length Edit

Opening games of the season typically take over a week to finish, scoring thousands of goals. Sketch artists may take up to one hour for final decisions. Officially, the shortest season-opening game was 7 days, 3 hours, and 19 minutes. However, Tommyball legend Tim Hein has predicted that such games in the near future could be over in as little time as 30 hours due to recent rule changes.[1]

Supercup games typically last only 20 hours. The 2016 Super Cup Final in Tommyball was famously cut short, lasting just nineteen hours at the final whistle. The Istanbul Bulls defeated the Glengarry Warriors by a slim 19 doowacky points. The final ruling was 10:9 umpires in favor of the Istanbul Bulls.

Play Edit

The game is played on a rhombic field, though historically octagonal and parallelogrammatic fields have been used instead. Players begin by walking to the double ninja chucker[1]. The two teams are scored based on a number of scoring systems, including goals and doowacky points.

Spectator interaction Edit

For obvious reasons, you must be 18 years of age to spectate a Tommyball game. Both the players and spectators are permitted to use weapons throughout the game, and spectators are encouraged to interfere and "punish players as they see fit"[1]. Spectators are generally advised to have an updated will and testament.

Controversies Edit

Multiple recent rule changes have been criticized for making it difficult to compare Tommyball players across generations, which has implications for the Hall of Fame.

Hall of Fame Edit

The Hall of Fame, while intended to be a celebration of Tommyball, has also been a cesspool for debate.

During the 2014-2015-2016 season, Fred Dickerson was controversially inducted into the Tommyball Hall of Fame ahead of fan favorite Tim Hein. The restraining order between Hein and Dickerson limited their physical proximity during the Hall of Fame event. Some recipients found Dickerson’s acceptance speech at the reception “abusive.”

The black tie dinner at the Akabar Hotel sparked further debate when the invitation requested that guests bring a plate.

Tim Hein Edit

Tim Hein [also known as "the Tommyball Princess," "Uncaped Crusader," "Crooked Captain," "Traralgon Tattletale," and "the Taylor Swift of Tommyball" (in reference to all innovative artists at once)] is famous for his effective use of weapons during his career. Hein is a wildly popular Tommyball legend, who has, controversially, not yet been inducted into the Tommyball Hall of Fame. It has been stated that Hein must be inducted by next season before the Statute of Limitations becomes effective in order for the Hall of Fame to retain “credibility.”

  • 13-times runner up in Super Cup final
  • 9-times runner up League MVP
  • Scored 37,000+ doowacky points
  • MySpace poll named him second greatest player of the 1990s
  • Tommyball Tribune: “Man who left a mark on the game that will never be forgotten, no matter how hard we try”
  • The only player ever to be sent off twice in the same game for inappropriate conduct

Despite Hein’s historic contributions to Tommyball, video footage from Hein’s career is currently being held embargo by the League and has not been released. The embargo may be a reason that he has not been inducted.

Due to rule changes, Hein’s scores from two decades ago are worth more than equivalent numbers from modern games.

Hein has advocated for banning players’ weapons, but not spectators’ weapons, in the midst of play. The players would be allowed to use weapons during the half-time break. While Hein is famous for his use of weapons during his career, he argues that weapons have “become a game” in themselves, led to injuries, and led to degradation of Tommyball. At the same time, he argues that spectators should be allowed to use weapons, as it is a critical component to self-expression and punishment.

Hein has published an autobiography called My Lives: A Life in Tommyball and Tommyball Commentating. Notably, court orders have been included in the autobiography. His memory of the famous [redacted] incident are also included.

Notable Mottos Edit

“The game’s not over until the sketches have been done.”

“If you wanna know how the game’s gonna go, look at the chickens.”

“If you’re running late to Tommyball, you don’t want to miss the chickens.”

“Don’t count your chickens.”
  1. 1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 https://www.unmade.fm/episodes/special-tommyball
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